Dear Editor, Publisher,* or Hapless Drone to Whom the Awful Chore of Procuring New Features Has Been Delegated:

You've reviewed the goods. You've rolled on the floor laughing. You can't wait to get your hands on this stuff and share it with your readers.

Now you're asking yourself: What level of monetary compensation could possibly do justice to such literary pearls?

Here's the good news: They're free — well, the first six are, anyway. I'll tighten the screws after you and your readers are hooked, at which time the cost will be indexed to your circulation. (That's readership, not social life or blood flow. I'll handle the jokes here, thanks.) Generally, it sugars off at 10 to 20 bucks a pop.

What have you got to lose?

Have I mentioned, by the way, my deep appreciation — approaching reverence — at the vital role played by editors and publishers in keeping the world safe for democracy? At great risk and personal sacrifice, they rush in where angels fear to tread: exposing the power elite's lies and hypocrisy, bravely testing cookie recipes, making sure the horoscope doesn't get left out. (I was an editor. I got those phone calls.)

And, of course, seeing to it that the bride's name is spelled right (mean as rattlesnakes, those mothers of the bride).

And keeping writers from using parentheses too often (not an easy thing to do).

Yes, here's to the editors and publishers — underappreciated, underpaid, misunderstood, perjured, maligned, demeaned, defiled. Aye, they guard the very ramparts of civilization.

And they probably have something better to do right now than keeping reading this.

* Yes, that's a genuine Oxford comma — punishable, according to The Associated Press Style Guide, by death. What's your point?