I had never been whacked with a magic wand while asleep before. I awoke with a start.

She stood at my bedside, elderly and prim. She had wings and a crown. Her face was solemn — all business.

She smacked me again. There was a tin star on the tip of that wand, and it stung. Read more

By noon on Day One, two things were clear: The cape was a bad idea to begin with, but the black satin was just plain stupid. Read more

No, I wasn't plucking a live chicken last night.

Nor was I performing root canal surgery on a bobcat, slicing up sheet metal with a band saw, or putting hamsters through a shredder.

It only sounded like that's what I was doing.

I was playing my new fiddle. Read more

Readers who should get out more may recall my bold announcement a year ago that at an age long past when it made any sense to do so, I had taken up playing the fiddle. Read more

"Yankee Charlie foxtrot mariposa chop shop. American toy, good evening."

Tower: "Cleveland center, twigger jigger fwin."

"Repeat, Cleveland?"

Tower: "Twigger jigger fwin."

"Roger that. Thanks." Read more

Scientists now suspect that all domestic dogs are descended from a single species of "proto-dog," probably an East Asian wolf seeking the warmth of the human hearth and an easy meal at least 100,000 years ago. - News Item

"Well, how about it? Are you going over there with me, or not?"

"I don't see the point. They look like a bunch of mopes." Read more

It's spring, all right. The dork beetles are back.

At least that's what I call them. They're upside down on the kitchen counter. They're marooned in the bathtub. They're trapped in the sink.

They've fallen and they can't get up. Read more

Funeral services were held yesterday at Forest Lawn Chapel in Los Angeles for Subtlety, who died last week after watching one Bruce Willis movie too many. Read more

Man walks into his vegetable garden carrying a chain saw.

Bad sign. Read more

English Heritage, guardian of various historic sites in Britain, is advertising for someone to be the nation's first court jester since 1649. - News Item

Finally, a government job I could really sink my teeth into. Read more

Several small children were being held as material witnesses yesterday after a bizarre incident at a local park, where a snowman allegedly came to life and roamed the streets for several hours before melting. Read more

Reports that Pluto is about to lose its status as a planet are false, the International Astronomical Union has announced. - News Item

"Good evening; this is Larry King Live. My guest tonight is the planet Pluto, which has just learned that astronomers on earth have decided not to revoke its status as a full-fledged member of the solar system. Mr. Pluto, how does this make you feel?" Read more

What is it with the Pillsbury Doughboy? Am I the only person who thinks there's something profoundly strange and unsettling about this guy? Read more

Is it just me, or is it getting a little extreme around here? Read more

"Our next witness is the former chief executive pro-tem of Troy, the Honorable Ego Shrub. Thank you for joining us, Mr. Shrub; we know you're a busy man."

"No problem. I look forward to answering the commission's questions, and this is an excellent opportunity to do that." Read more

Ah, springtime in Vermont. Quickens the blood just to think about it: days getting' longer, robins comin' back, creosote risin' in the telephone poles.

Ayup, nothin' like getting' out in the woods with a team o' oxen — up in the tarbush, there — hangin' the buckets on the telephone poles, and getting' set to make another year's supply of creosote syrup. Read more

Thoughts while waiting for the morning coffee to brew...

Can you whale anything out of somebody besides tar?

Does anybody blither besides idiots? Read more

I was looking up a word in the dictionary the other day when I stumbled upon one of the loveliest words I have discovered in quite some time:

"Pralltriller."

Doesn't that just dance off the tongue? Pralltriller. Pralllllll-triller! Read more

Had a dream last night. I won't bore you with the details, but it involved a saxophone, a basketball, and an empty bottle of Seven-Up. Read more

Beware the wordsmith on deadline, a loose cannon on the deck of our mother tongue if ever there was one. He's trying to be witty and fresh, to conjure up brand-new drolleries. He's trying to be dundant. Read more

Newfangled consumer-driven health plans, which allow individuals to customize their own benefits packages, have yet to catch fire. - News item

Gateway is offering PCs with newfangled designs in a move away from the typical white or beige box. - News item

No, this isn't about consumer-driven health care plans, or the fire they have yet to catch. Nor is it about the evolving nonbeigeness of computer design. It's about fangling. Read more

In our never-ending quest to keep you as worried as possible about things you weren't previously worried about, the large and dedicated staff of this column has directed your attention to earth-impacting asteroids, glaciers, gamma-ray bursts, flesh-eating robots and cooties. What's left?

Oh, yes: the impending collapse and reversal of the earth's magnetic field. Read more

I've got to stop getting up with the chickens.